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I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Funny
Entrance
Around
Entrances
Think
Missed
Thinking
Target
People
Tried
Walk
Humor
Walks
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
Mitch Hedberg
You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. This is what happened once.
Mitch Hedberg
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, Screw it. Cut 'em up!
Mitch Hedberg
I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.
Mitch Hedberg
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
Mitch Hedberg
I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
Mitch Hedberg
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!
Mitch Hedberg
I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race we will prevail!
Mitch Hedberg
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
Mitch Hedberg
Then let's print up some flyers!
Mitch Hedberg
I got an ant farm them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
Mitch Hedberg
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!
Mitch Hedberg
I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'
Mitch Hedberg
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Mitch Hedberg
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
Mitch Hedberg
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
Mitch Hedberg
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say E, I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says E, I get all cocky - I've got this one, don't worry. So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.
Mitch Hedberg
They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!
Mitch Hedberg
If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.
Mitch Hedberg
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
Mitch Hedberg
