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I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Wait
Humor
Stage
Waiting
Funny
Pineapple
Next
Pineapples
Pocket
Pockets
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. I don't think this dude can see.
Mitch Hedberg
I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned? Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!
Mitch Hedberg
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg
My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name Lynn. My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it Lyn. Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say n as long.
Mitch Hedberg
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.
Mitch Hedberg
Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
Mitch Hedberg
2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
Mitch Hedberg
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.
Mitch Hedberg
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg
A lot of bands have intense names, like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary. We weren't that intense, we called ourselves Injured. Later on we changed it to Acapella when we were walking out of the pawn shop.
Mitch Hedberg
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying We don't have to fix anything.
Mitch Hedberg
My manager said, Don't use liquor as a crutch! I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
Mitch Hedberg
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!
Mitch Hedberg
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
Mitch Hedberg
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.
Mitch Hedberg
I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
Mitch Hedberg
My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
Mitch Hedberg
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Mitch Hedberg
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg
