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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Something
Seriously
Humor
Building
Open
Guy
Wrong
Elevator
Funny
Elevators
Doesn
Floor
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
Then let's print up some flyers!
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I did a radio interview the DJ's first question was Who are you? I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, this is not a library! OK! I will talk louder, then!
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
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I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
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P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
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I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
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I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, Don't even worry about snakes anymore. My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, Lay down!
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I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.
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If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, Hey - maybe a killer is after you!
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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
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I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.
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I like those blow-up beds. This becomes a full size bed in three minutes! Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. Yeah, but you can store this thing. You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.
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We don't have to fix anything.
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Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
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Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
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