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Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Shotguns
Messed
Humor
Called
Lasts
Limo
Last
Limos
Funny
Shotgun
Time
Rented
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
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It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
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P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, What? So I say it again, and he says, What? Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, That tree is far away!
Mitch Hedberg
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.
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If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
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Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
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I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, you'll have to sleep on the floor. Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.
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Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.
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When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
Mitch Hedberg
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
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I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
Mitch Hedberg
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
Mitch Hedberg
I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
Mitch Hedberg
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg
Earlier I`ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.
Mitch Hedberg
