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I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Views
Outsider
Wrong
Outsiders
Point
Plane
Compartment
Funny
Planes
Battery
Stuff
Boxes
Cord
Power
Travel
Cords
Looks
View
Batteries
Like
Humor
Boom

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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, this is not a library! OK! I will talk louder, then!
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When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
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I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this. Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. Think like a cactus!
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If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.
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I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add er.
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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
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If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
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My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name Lynn. My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it Lyn. Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say n as long.
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As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.
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I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!
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I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
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They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
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