Quote

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Face
Dimple
Faces
Dimples
Funny
Shot
Tell
Gun
Someone
Shots
Never
Humor
Maybe
Nice

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They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
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I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. What time is it, Mitch? Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger. Shi*, I had to be somewhere...
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I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
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I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!
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I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'
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I did a radio interview the DJ's first question was Who are you? I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
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I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!
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Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, Don't even worry about snakes anymore. My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, Lay down!
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I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.
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A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.
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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
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Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.
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It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
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If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.
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I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!
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When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.
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