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I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Equal
Comedians
Humor
Bounce
Funny
Vegas
House
Shine
Three
Hotel
Comedian
Riviera
Shining
Booked
Using
Shampoo

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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name Lynn. My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it Lyn. Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say n as long.
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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
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I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
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I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, Screw it. Cut 'em up!
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
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I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. What time is it, Mitch? Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger. Shi*, I had to be somewhere...
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Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.
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If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'.
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I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, Don't even worry about snakes anymore. My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, Lay down!
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2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
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I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.
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I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.
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A lot of bands have intense names, like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary. We weren't that intense, we called ourselves Injured. Later on we changed it to Acapella when we were walking out of the pawn shop.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, Hey, do you mind if I join you? Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
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