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I did a radio interview the DJ's first question was Who are you? I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Wrong
Stations
Funny
Interviews
Firsts
Drive
First
Radio
Really
Deep
Think
Humor
Thinking
Question
Interview
Guy
Station

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I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?
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I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.
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My manager said, Don't use liquor as a crutch! I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
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The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. Sir, you forgot this. No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.
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I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.
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I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, Mitch, how do I get a hold of you? I'll say, Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, Dude, you have to wait.
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This one commercial said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
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There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this. Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. Think like a cactus!
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Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets.
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Then let's print up some flyers!
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I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. Tom's gone! Is he a magician? No. Then let's print up some flyers!
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I went to the store and bought eight apples the clerk said, Do you want these in a bag? I said, Oh, no, man, I juggle.
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I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
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