Quote

Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!

Mitch Hedberg

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Went
Wood
Funny
Woods
Hope
Luck
Someone
Door
Home
Doors
Good
Humor
Think
Started
Thinking
Saying
Knock

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Image
Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I went to the store and bought eight apples the clerk said, Do you want these in a bag? I said, Oh, no, man, I juggle.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'
Mitch Hedberg