Quote

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Impossible
Mitch
Funny
Lick
Would
Solid
Ice
Guess
Drink
Humor
Cold

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.
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I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
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I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
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If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.
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I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.
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People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
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Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets.
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I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!
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I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.
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Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.
Mitch Hedberg
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If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, Say thanks!
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I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy.
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I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. You sound older!
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People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
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A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.
Mitch Hedberg