Quote

I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Humor
Numbers
Sharpie
Funny
Sucks
Writing
Letter
Love
Communicate
Letters
Dad
Using

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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We don't have to fix anything.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, this is not a library! OK! I will talk louder, then!
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It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
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Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
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I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.
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I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, Hey, do you mind if I join you? Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.
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This shirt is dry-clean only... Which means it's dirty.
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2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
Mitch Hedberg
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I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
Mitch Hedberg
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If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
Mitch Hedberg
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Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.
Mitch Hedberg
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People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
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I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'
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