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I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Using
Humor
Numbers
Sharpie
Funny
Sucks
Writing
Letter
Love
Communicate
Letters
Dad

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
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I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!
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I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
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I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.
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I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? And then he said, How many of you feel like animals? The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.
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I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.
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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, What kind of cigars do you like? I answered, It's a Boys.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, this is not a library! OK! I will talk louder, then!
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I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
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I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
Mitch Hedberg
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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg
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I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!
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If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, Say thanks!
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.
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I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
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Earlier I`ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.
Mitch Hedberg