Quote

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Ends
Humor
Firsts
Start
First
Happy
Pancakes
Like
Show
Ems
Funny
Comedian
Strong
Keys
Shows
Sick
Two
Elements

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it's nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy's not being invaded. But there's nothing like walking back into a clean room. You've got to remember that.
Mitch Hedberg
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Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. You might have seen this next comedian at the store, and people would say Hell yes I have!
Mitch Hedberg
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.
Mitch Hedberg
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If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, Hey - maybe a killer is after you!
Mitch Hedberg
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Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.
Mitch Hedberg
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It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
Mitch Hedberg
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, I'll just get a tan instead.
Mitch Hedberg
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
Mitch Hedberg
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If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Mitch Hedberg
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How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.
Mitch Hedberg
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I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!
Mitch Hedberg
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I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
Mitch Hedberg
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I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
Mitch Hedberg
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I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
Mitch Hedberg
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A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Mitch Hedberg
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I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.
Mitch Hedberg
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If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
Mitch Hedberg
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They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
Mitch Hedberg
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The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. Sir, you forgot this. No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.
Mitch Hedberg
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I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?
Mitch Hedberg