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I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Two
Anchovies
Humor
Funny

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They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
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It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
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I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, Gimme that, you better hand it over.
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I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. You sound older!
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
Mitch Hedberg
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
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If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.
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I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!
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I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say tomatoes, then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.
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I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
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Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
Mitch Hedberg
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I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'
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I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
Mitch Hedberg
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
Mitch Hedberg
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If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, Say thanks!
Mitch Hedberg
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There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this. Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. Think like a cactus!
Mitch Hedberg