Quote

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Next
Beats
Accidentally
Two
Magic
Drummer
Thing
Humor
Bass
Instead
Soup
Player
Picked
Imagine
Keeping
Turns
Sticks
Funny
Beat
Wands

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I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
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I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.
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I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
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I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, Don't even worry about snakes anymore. My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, Lay down!
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2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
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A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.
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I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
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I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
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P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.
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I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. You sound older!
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I like to wear a Do Not Disturb sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock. Read the sign, punk!
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People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
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I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.
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Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.
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I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.
Mitch Hedberg