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I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Studios
Cottages
Humor
Tent
Funny
Tents
Home
Dwelling
Trying
Mobile
Cheeses
Like
Cheese
Tornado
Apartment
Tornadoes
Studio
Cottage
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.
Mitch Hedberg
I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop!
Mitch Hedberg
I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
Mitch Hedberg
I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.
Mitch Hedberg
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
Mitch Hedberg
I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
Mitch Hedberg
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
Mitch Hedberg
This one commercial said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
Mitch Hedberg
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
Mitch Hedberg
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. What time is it, Mitch? Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger. Shi*, I had to be somewhere...
Mitch Hedberg
I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!
Mitch Hedberg
I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, Hey, do you mind if I join you? Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
Mitch Hedberg
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'
Mitch Hedberg
I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
Mitch Hedberg
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.
Mitch Hedberg
I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
Mitch Hedberg
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say E, I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says E, I get all cocky - I've got this one, don't worry. So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.
Mitch Hedberg
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
Mitch Hedberg
Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.
Mitch Hedberg
