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Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Needs
Hole
Made
Sugar
Holes
Bars
Lays
Humor
Funny
Cavities
Need
Candy
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
Mitch Hedberg
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg
You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it's nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy's not being invaded. But there's nothing like walking back into a clean room. You've got to remember that.
Mitch Hedberg
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.
Mitch Hedberg
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
Mitch Hedberg
I went to a tent store. What kind of tent do you need? Circus.
Mitch Hedberg
My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
Mitch Hedberg
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
Mitch Hedberg
I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
Mitch Hedberg
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Mitch Hedberg
You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. This is what happened once.
Mitch Hedberg
One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
Mitch Hedberg
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
Mitch Hedberg
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg
I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying no. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING!
Mitch Hedberg
I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
Mitch Hedberg
If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this. Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. Think like a cactus!
Mitch Hedberg
