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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Work
Exes
Dreaming
Build
Sleep
Hate
Next
Cart
Dream
Landlord
Thing
Carts

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
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I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say tomatoes, then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.
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I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
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I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
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I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
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I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
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I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . . We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I’ll be damned if I’m not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, this is not a library! OK! I will talk louder, then!
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I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, you'll have to sleep on the floor. Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.
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A lot of bands have intense names, like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary. We weren't that intense, we called ourselves Injured. Later on we changed it to Acapella when we were walking out of the pawn shop.
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If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
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I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
Mitch Hedberg
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Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.
Mitch Hedberg
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I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the Donate it to charity slice. I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'
Mitch Hedberg
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I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
Mitch Hedberg
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Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
Mitch Hedberg
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.
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I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.
Mitch Hedberg
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I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'
Mitch Hedberg