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I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Humor
Bake
Like
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Baked
Forever
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Done
Potato
Potatoes
Sometimes
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Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, What? So I say it again, and he says, What? Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, That tree is far away!
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I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, I'm mailing those cookies to my friend. So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.
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When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
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I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.
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A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. Come on, man, there has to be more to that story.
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I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
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I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.
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I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
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The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, Mitch, how do I get a hold of you? I'll say, Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough.
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Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
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