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If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Sea
Lakes
Humor
Fishing
Funny
Fish
Good
Stick
Fishes
Boat
Sticks
Rivers
Posture
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
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I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
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Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
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If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.
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I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch Hedberg
A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. Come on, man, there has to be more to that story.
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I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.
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I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.
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I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying We don't have to fix anything.
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If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'.
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How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.
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I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
Mitch Hedberg
I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.
Mitch Hedberg
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
Mitch Hedberg
This shirt is dry-clean only... Which means it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg
One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
Mitch Hedberg
