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If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Good
Stick
Fishes
Boat
Sticks
Rivers
Posture
Sea
Lakes
Humor
Fishing
Funny
Fish

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A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.
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I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?
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When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.
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I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, Hey, do you mind if I join you? Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. Sir, you forgot this. No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.
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2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
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They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!
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Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
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Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.
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If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, Hey - maybe a killer is after you!
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I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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We don't have to fix anything.
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I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.
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I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.
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I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
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If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
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I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, This is what I'm doing for sure. I was so excited.
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