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I got an ant farm them fellas didn't grow sh*t.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Ants
Farm
Farms
Grow
Grows
Didn
Fellas

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.
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Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.
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I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say tomatoes, then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.
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I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.
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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg
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We don't have to fix anything.
Mitch Hedberg
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I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?
Mitch Hedberg
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I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
Mitch Hedberg
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The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.
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If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.
Mitch Hedberg
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I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, you'll have to sleep on the floor. Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.
Mitch Hedberg
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I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll still be like what, so now he's got me yellin. Man that tree is far away
Mitch Hedberg
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The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. Sir, you forgot this. No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.
Mitch Hedberg
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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
Mitch Hedberg
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People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
Mitch Hedberg
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I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
Mitch Hedberg
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, Dude, you have to wait.
Mitch Hedberg
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If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
Mitch Hedberg