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I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Lift
Lifts
Machine
Damn
Machines
Crate
Using
Forks
Purpose
Literal
Like
Exact

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This one commercial said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
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I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
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I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
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I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
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2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
Mitch Hedberg
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I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.
Mitch Hedberg
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash? Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!
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I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? And then he said, How many of you feel like animals? The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. Tom's gone! Is he a magician? No. Then let's print up some flyers!
Mitch Hedberg
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Mitch Hedberg
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If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
Mitch Hedberg
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Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets.
Mitch Hedberg
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I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Mitch Hedberg
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I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, Screw it. Cut 'em up!
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I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
Mitch Hedberg
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg
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If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, Say thanks!
Mitch Hedberg
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I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, you'll have to sleep on the floor. Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.
Mitch Hedberg