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I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Damn
Machines
Crate
Using
Forks
Purpose
Literal
Like
Exact
Lift
Lifts
Machine

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My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name Lynn. My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it Lyn. Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say n as long.
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I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
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If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, Hey - maybe a killer is after you!
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I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
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Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
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I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
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I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned? Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
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Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
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Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets.
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If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
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I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
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If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, Say thanks!
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I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, What? So I say it again, and he says, What? Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, That tree is far away!
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I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.
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I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
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