Quote

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Going
Humor
Tides
Really
Feet
Drivers
Men
Turn
Gotta
Like
Guy
Circles
Passenger
Race
Slow
Passengers
Turns
Radio
Tide
Funny
Car
Bugs
Keep
Window
Driver

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
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I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
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I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? And then he said, How many of you feel like animals? The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.
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Then let's print up some flyers!
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I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.
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I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
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I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.
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Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, That's wrong!, you say, No, it ain't. If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.
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I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say E, I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says E, I get all cocky - I've got this one, don't worry. So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
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I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.
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P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
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Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.
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