Quote

Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.

Mitch Hedberg

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Tell
Twice
Another
Fancy
Stills
Bread
Still
Step
Toast
Need
Humor
Toasts
Needs
Steps
Wrapped
Open
Farm
Funny
Farms

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Image
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add er.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, Screw it. Cut 'em up!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
Mitch Hedberg
Image
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, Say thanks!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say E, I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says E, I get all cocky - I've got this one, don't worry. So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Then let's print up some flyers!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say tomatoes, then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.
Mitch Hedberg