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If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Block
Legs
Fire
Flammable
Blocking
Exit

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!
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When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
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I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.
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Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
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I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
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It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
Mitch Hedberg
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I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll still be like what, so now he's got me yellin. Man that tree is far away
Mitch Hedberg
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If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
Mitch Hedberg
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Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
Mitch Hedberg
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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say tomatoes, then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.
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