Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
Mitch Hedberg
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Degrees
Humor
Poor
Funny
Pepper
Didn
Peppers
Even
Dude
Imitation
Degree
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, you'll have to sleep on the floor. Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.
Mitch Hedberg
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
Mitch Hedberg
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!
Mitch Hedberg
The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. Sir, you forgot this. No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.
Mitch Hedberg
I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.
Mitch Hedberg
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!
Mitch Hedberg
My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.
Mitch Hedberg
When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. Oh, no! This place is haunted! I can't be funny when I'm frightened.
Mitch Hedberg
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
Mitch Hedberg
My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.
Mitch Hedberg
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
Mitch Hedberg
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg
I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the Donate it to charity slice. I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'
Mitch Hedberg
I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
Mitch Hedberg
This one commercial said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
Mitch Hedberg
I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.
Mitch Hedberg
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
Mitch Hedberg
P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
Mitch Hedberg
