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Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Poor
Funny
Pepper
Didn
Peppers
Even
Dude
Imitation
Degree
Degrees
Humor

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Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
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I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
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Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.
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Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, That's wrong!, you say, No, it ain't. If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.
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I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, Screw it. Cut 'em up!
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My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.
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This one commercial said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
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I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
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They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
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My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
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I like to wear a Do Not Disturb sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock. Read the sign, punk!
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I got an ant farm them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
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Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
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