Quote

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Potential
Oftentimes
Machines
Flavor
Humor
Maximum
Achieve
Candy
Funny
Store
Fall
Drop
Vending
Better
Bars
Snacks
Like
Stores
Achieves

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. You might have seen this next comedian at the store, and people would say Hell yes I have!
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I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
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Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. I don't think this dude can see.
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I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
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I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
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As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.
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I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
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Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.
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Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.
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P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
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2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
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People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
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If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, Hey - maybe a killer is after you!
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If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.
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Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.
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I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
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I did a radio interview the DJ's first question was Who are you? I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
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People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
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I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
Mitch Hedberg