Quote

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Potential
Oftentimes
Machines
Flavor
Humor
Maximum
Achieve
Candy
Funny
Store
Fall
Drop
Vending
Better
Bars
Snacks
Like
Stores
Achieves

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, Gimme that, you better hand it over.
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I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
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We don't have to fix anything.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, I'll just get a tan instead.
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Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, I can't knit, get this away from me!
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I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race we will prevail!
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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
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It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
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Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
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If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'.
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If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
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I went to the store and bought eight apples the clerk said, Do you want these in a bag? I said, Oh, no, man, I juggle.
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My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
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Then let's print up some flyers!
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'
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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
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A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
Mitch Hedberg