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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, Dude, you have to wait.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Waiting
Winos
Funny
Dude
Like
Grapes
Wait
Wine
Eating
Saws
Humor
Wino

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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
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I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.
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I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, This is what I'm doing for sure. I was so excited.
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Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
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I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, I'm mailing those cookies to my friend. So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.
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I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
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My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name Lynn. My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it Lyn. Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say n as long.
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I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.
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You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it's nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy's not being invaded. But there's nothing like walking back into a clean room. You've got to remember that.
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I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.
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I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
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I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
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