Quote

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, Dude, you have to wait.

Mitch Hedberg

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Eating
Saws
Humor
Wino
Waiting
Winos
Funny
Dude
Like
Grapes
Wait
Wine

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Image
Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I got an ant farm them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. What time is it, Mitch? Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger. Shi*, I had to be somewhere...
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up to par with the sounds that they're making. A crowd can sound like they're having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don't equal the sound.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name Lynn. My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it Lyn. Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say n as long.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
Mitch Hedberg