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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, Dude, you have to wait.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Waiting
Winos
Funny
Dude
Like
Grapes
Wait
Wine
Eating
Saws
Humor
Wino

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People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.
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I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. What time is it, Mitch? Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger. Shi*, I had to be somewhere...
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I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
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I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.
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I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
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Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
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It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
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My manager said, Don't use liquor as a crutch! I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
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I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
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I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.
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