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I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Doesn
Orange
Make
Wanna
Case
Humor
Cases
Comedy
Wallet
Funny
Wallets
Sense
Deer
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
Mitch Hedberg
If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, Hey - maybe a killer is after you!
Mitch Hedberg
If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.
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I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
Mitch Hedberg
My manager said, Don't use liquor as a crutch! I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
Mitch Hedberg
I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!
Mitch Hedberg
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
Mitch Hedberg
I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!
Mitch Hedberg
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
Mitch Hedberg
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
Mitch Hedberg
I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Mitch Hedberg
If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.
Mitch Hedberg
I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
Mitch Hedberg
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying We don't have to fix anything.
Mitch Hedberg
I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race we will prevail!
Mitch Hedberg
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
Mitch Hedberg
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
Mitch Hedberg
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
Mitch Hedberg
