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I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Funny
Wallets
Sense
Deer
Doesn
Orange
Make
Wanna
Case
Humor
Cases
Comedy
Wallet

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
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I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.
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I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
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I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. What time is it, Mitch? Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger. Shi*, I had to be somewhere...
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A lot of bands have intense names, like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary. We weren't that intense, we called ourselves Injured. Later on we changed it to Acapella when we were walking out of the pawn shop.
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A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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This one commercial said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
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I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!
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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
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Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash? Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
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My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
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Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.
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If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.
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We don't have to fix anything.
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I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
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