Quote

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Green
Bananas
Humor
Traffic
Hold
Yield
Hell
Yellow
Funny
Opposite
Means
Red
Light
Opposites
Mean
Ahead
Banana

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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My manager said, Don't use liquor as a crutch! I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
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I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.
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My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name Lynn. My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it Lyn. Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say n as long.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
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The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.
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I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll still be like what, so now he's got me yellin. Man that tree is far away
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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
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This one commercial said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
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I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, Hey, do you mind if I join you? Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
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I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.
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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
Mitch Hedberg