Quote

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Green
Bananas
Humor
Traffic
Hold
Yield
Hell
Yellow
Funny
Opposite
Means
Red
Light
Opposites
Mean
Ahead
Banana

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. You sound older!
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I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'
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A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
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I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
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It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
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My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name Lynn. My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it Lyn. Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say n as long.
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I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.
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It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
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Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
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My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
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If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, Say thanks!
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
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I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. Tom's gone! Is he a magician? No. Then let's print up some flyers!
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Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets.
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A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.
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I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
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