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A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Burritos
Beef
Sleeping
Bags
Ground
Sleep
Burrito

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, Don't even worry about snakes anymore. My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, Lay down!
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This shirt is dry-clean only... Which means it's dirty.
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If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.
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If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
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I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.
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I went to a tent store. What kind of tent do you need? Circus.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, Dude, you have to wait.
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I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.
Mitch Hedberg
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
Mitch Hedberg
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I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.
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I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Mitch Hedberg
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Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
Mitch Hedberg
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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Mitch Hedberg
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My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
Mitch Hedberg