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A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Burrito
Burritos
Beef
Sleeping
Bags
Ground
Sleep
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
Mitch Hedberg
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
Mitch Hedberg
I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.
Mitch Hedberg
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
Mitch Hedberg
We don't have to fix anything.
Mitch Hedberg
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
Mitch Hedberg
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
Mitch Hedberg
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Mitch Hedberg
I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? And then he said, How many of you feel like animals? The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.
Mitch Hedberg
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
Mitch Hedberg
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
Mitch Hedberg
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
Mitch Hedberg
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg
If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.
Mitch Hedberg
I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?
Mitch Hedberg
I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race we will prevail!
Mitch Hedberg
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.
Mitch Hedberg
I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
Mitch Hedberg
