Quote

My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Give
Dude
Giving
Pause
Going
Potatoes
Time
Pauses
Like
Guess
Friend
Mashed
Humor
Quiz
Funny
Insert

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If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.
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I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.
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I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
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Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash? Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!
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I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
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I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.
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A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
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I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!
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We don't have to fix anything.
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I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say tomatoes, then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.
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P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
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I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, I'll just get a tan instead.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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