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I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Thinking
Faults
Countryside
Large
Monster
Humor
Extra
Focus
Extras
Funny
Fault
Bigfoot
Running
Monsters
Blurry
Problem
Photographer
Roaming
Think
Scary
Fuzzy
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.
Mitch Hedberg
I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
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This shirt is dry-clean only... Which means it's dirty.
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I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
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I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop!
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Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. I don't think this dude can see.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
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When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
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I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.
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There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this. Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. Think like a cactus!
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Earlier I`ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
Mitch Hedberg
I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
Mitch Hedberg
A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. Come on, man, there has to be more to that story.
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If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Mitch Hedberg