Quote

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Always
Wake
Incense
Would
False
Rolls
Time
Humor
Hopes
Like
Rather
Stick
Funny
Roll
Wish
Sell
Light
Sells
Cinnamon
Make
Sticks
Roommate

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If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, Hey - maybe a killer is after you!
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I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.
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I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!
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When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
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I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.
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I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the Donate it to charity slice. I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, Hey, do you mind if I join you? Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.
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I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
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I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, Don't even worry about snakes anymore. My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, Lay down!
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I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
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I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
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I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!
Mitch Hedberg