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I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
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More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.
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I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
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One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
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Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.
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I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
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I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg
I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'
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I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
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I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll still be like what, so now he's got me yellin. Man that tree is far away
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I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
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I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long time. There's some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they're not a name, they don't attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
Mitch Hedberg
I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying no. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING!
Mitch Hedberg
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, Say thanks!
Mitch Hedberg
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.
Mitch Hedberg
Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
Mitch Hedberg