Quote

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

Mitch Hedberg

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Always
Wake
Incense
Would
False
Rolls
Time
Humor
Hopes
Like
Rather
Stick
Funny
Roll
Wish
Sell
Light
Sells
Cinnamon
Make
Sticks
Roommate

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Image
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Then let's print up some flyers!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, This is what I'm doing for sure. I was so excited.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long time. There's some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they're not a name, they don't attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying We don't have to fix anything.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. Oh, no! This place is haunted! I can't be funny when I'm frightened.
Mitch Hedberg