Quote

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Last
Rivers
Photo
Funny
Car
Crash
Opportunity
Case
River
Never
Humor
Fish
Minutes
Fishes
Cases
Camera
Seen
Minute
Lasts
Cameras
Underwater

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, Don't even worry about snakes anymore. My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, Lay down!
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This one commercial said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
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A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.
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My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.
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I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
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Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!
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Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets.
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I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.
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I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
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I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.
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I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll still be like what, so now he's got me yellin. Man that tree is far away
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I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
Mitch Hedberg
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Mitch Hedberg
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Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.
Mitch Hedberg
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The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, Mitch, how do I get a hold of you? I'll say, Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I like to wear a Do Not Disturb sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock. Read the sign, punk!
Mitch Hedberg