Quote

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Minutes
Fishes
Cases
Camera
Seen
Minute
Lasts
Cameras
Underwater
Last
Rivers
Photo
Funny
Car
Crash
Opportunity
Case
River
Never
Humor
Fish

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, Say thanks!
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
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I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. I don't think this dude can see.
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They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add er.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
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They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!
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You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy.
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If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.
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Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
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I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned? Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!
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