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When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Hear
Beam
Sound
Sounded
Funny
Horns
Light
Acid
Things
Awful
Would
Sounds
Like
Car
Humor
Beams
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
I like to wear a Do Not Disturb sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock. Read the sign, punk!
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.
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There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this. Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. Think like a cactus!
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My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.
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Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
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If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, Hey - maybe a killer is after you!
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My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
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When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.
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I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!
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Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.
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I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!
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The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. Sir, you forgot this. No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.
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Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add er.
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I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, I'll just get a tan instead.
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I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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