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Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Small
Coke
Coupon
Free
Pizza
Mitch
Two
Location
Oven
Good
Unlimited
Locations
Note
Ovens
Notes
Franchise
Week
Purchase
Special
Tuesday

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?
Mitch Hedberg
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A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
Mitch Hedberg
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If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
Mitch Hedberg
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I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
Mitch Hedberg
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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
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Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
Mitch Hedberg
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My manager said, Don't use liquor as a crutch! I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
Mitch Hedberg
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One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
Mitch Hedberg
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
Mitch Hedberg
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
Mitch Hedberg
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I got an ant farm them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
Mitch Hedberg
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My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.
Mitch Hedberg
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I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.
Mitch Hedberg
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You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it's nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy's not being invaded. But there's nothing like walking back into a clean room. You've got to remember that.
Mitch Hedberg
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If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
Mitch Hedberg
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When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
Mitch Hedberg
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
Mitch Hedberg
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You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. This is what happened once.
Mitch Hedberg
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My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
Mitch Hedberg
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I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!
Mitch Hedberg