Quote

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Fall
Wanna
House
Hang
Two
Comedian
Locations
Home
Corners
Pins
Firsts
Gonna
Geography
First
Travel
Location
World
Humor
Traveled
Funny
Maps

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.
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Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
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I did a radio interview the DJ's first question was Who are you? I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
Mitch Hedberg
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I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
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Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.
Mitch Hedberg
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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
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I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
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I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I like those blow-up beds. This becomes a full size bed in three minutes! Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. Yeah, but you can store this thing. You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.
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Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
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I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
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If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'.
Mitch Hedberg
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I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
Mitch Hedberg
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Then let's print up some flyers!
Mitch Hedberg
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, Dude, you have to wait.
Mitch Hedberg
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, this is not a library! OK! I will talk louder, then!
Mitch Hedberg
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I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
Mitch Hedberg
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If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
Mitch Hedberg
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I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
Mitch Hedberg
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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
Mitch Hedberg