Quote

If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.

Mitch Hedberg

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Drink
Hours
Half
Alcoholic
Alcoholics
Drinking
Hour

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Image
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, I can't knit, get this away from me!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
This shirt is dry-clean only... Which means it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash? Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. I don't think this dude can see.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, I'll just get a tan instead.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. Oh, no! This place is haunted! I can't be funny when I'm frightened.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? And then he said, How many of you feel like animals? The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.
Mitch Hedberg