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Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Less
Soccer
Two
Several
Around
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Screwed
Back
Balls
Spin
Much
Perception
Simultaneously
Guys
Flip
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Kick
Though
Kicks
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If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
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I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, What kind of cigars do you like? I answered, It's a Boys.
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I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!
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Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash? Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!
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I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
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Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
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Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!
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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, Mitch, how do I get a hold of you? I'll say, Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
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